Fun things to do at Wal-Mart
1. Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them and stranding them at strategic locations.
2. Ride those little electronic cars at the front of the store.
3. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day.
4. Start playing Calvinball; see how many people you can get to join in.
5. Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the spray air fresheners.
6. Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap.
7. Leave cryptic messages on the typewriters.
8. Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit.
A blonde was telling her priest a Pollock joke, when halfway through the priest interrupts her, "Don't you know I'm Polish?"
"Oh, I'm sorry," the blonde apologizes, "do you want me to start over and talk slower?"
A guy was on trial for murder and if convicted, would get the electric chair. His brother found out that a redneck was on the jury and figured he would be the one to bribe. He told the red neck that he would be paid $10,000 if he could convince the rest of the jury to reduce the charge to manslaughter.
The jury was out an entire week and returned with a verdict of manslaughter.
After the trial, the brother went to the redneck's house, told him what a great job he had done and paid him the $10,000.
The red neck replied that it wasn't easy to convince the rest of the jury to change the charge to manslaughter. They all thought he was not guilty and, wanted to let him go.
Ben is having a drink in his local bar when in walks this gorgeous woman. Ben, not being too shy, goes up and sits next to her. He buys her a drink and then another and then another. After this and the accompanying small-talk, Ben asks her back to his place for a "good time."
"Look," says the woman, "what do you think I am? I don't turn into a slut after 3 drinks, you know!"
"OK," replies Ben, "so how many does it take?"
A man spoke frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the doctor asked. "No, you idiot!" the man shouted. "This is her husband!"
Four old timers were playing their weekly game of golf, and one remarked how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and without an argument go directly to the golf course, meet his buddies and play a round.
His buddies all chimed in and said, "Let's do it! We'll make it a priority, figure out a way, and meet here early Christmas morning."
Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the golf course!
The first guy says, "Boy, this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife such a diamond ring that she can't take her eyes off it."
Number 2 guy says, "I spent a ton, too. My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures."
Number 3 guy says, "Well, my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual."
They all turned to the last guy in the group who is staring at them like they have lost their minds.
"I can't believe you all went to such expense for this golf game. I woke the wife up early, gave her a couple of pinches and a wink, and said, 'Well, babe, Merry Christmas! It's a great morning for sex or golf, '.... and she said..... "Take your sweater."
A farmer and his pig were driving down the road when a cop pulled him over.
The cop asked the farmer, "Didn't you know it is against the law to ride with a pig in the front of you truck?"
The farmer replied, "No, I didn't know that."
The cop ask the farmer where he was going and he said, "To Memphis". The cop said, "I will let you off the hook this time if you promise to take the pig to the zoo when you get to Memphis."
So the farmer promised he would.
Several days later the cop spotted the farmer with the pig driving down the road and he pulled him over again.
The cop said "I thought I told you to take this pig to the zoo when you got to Memphis" and to this the farmer replied "I did and we had so much fun, I'm taking him to the circus."
A man says to his wife, 'I fancy kinky sex, how about I blow my load in your ear?' The wife hastily replies, 'No, I might go deaf!' To which the man replies, 'I've been shooting my love wads in your mouth for the last 20 years and you're still fucking talking aren't you?'
A woman brings eight-year-old Little Johnny home and tells his mother that he was caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her eight-year-old daughter.
Little Johnny's mother says, 'Let's not be too harsh on them . They are bound to be curious about sex at that age.'
'Curious about sex?..' replies Mary's mother, '.. Fortunately I reached there on time... otherwise he was about to cut her stomach by knife to remove her appendix out!'
I returned from Russia after living there nearly two years. My sister decided to surprise me by creating "welcome home" signs in Russian. She went to a website that offered translations and typed in "Welcome Home, Cole." She then printed the translated phrase onto about 20 colored cardboard signs. When I got off the plane, the first thing I saw was my family excitedly waving posters printed with a strange message. My sister gave me a big hug, and pointed proudly to her creations. "Isn't that great?" she said. "Bet you didn't think I knew any Russian."
I admitted that I was indeed surprised and so was she when I told her what the signs actually said: "Translation not found."
My wife rushed into the supermarket to pick up a few items. She headed for the express line where the clerk was talking on the phone with his back turned to her.
"Excuse me," she said, "I'm in a hurry. Could you check me out, please?"
The clerk turned, stared at her for a second, looked her up and down, smiled and said, "Not bad."